Born in a Hungarian prison camp in 1836, Chairman Beardface struggled to identify with his parents, his mother, a one armed, spent prostitute with a lisp and his father a romanian gypsy tamer were unable to offer him the head start in life he required to develop into a normal human being. He spent many years wondering the siberean wastelands searching out his fourtune with his childhood sweetheart, Ethle the village idot's retarded hemaphrodite child,

Years later, after finding nothing in Siberia but syphilis and yellow snow Chairman Beardface sold his now aged, repulsive, multi sex organed wife into slavery and set sale for Guadelope aboard the fine vessel "The Single Breasted Dogchild" after hearing many tales of great fortunes to be had in a life at sea.

Life at sea begun well. Plenty of grog swilling guffaws and wenches were had on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the captain took a fancy to Chairman Beardface's beautifully hansome and hairless face. Then he ran out of space to