I haven't spoken to my wife in years, I didn't want to interrupt her.

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60, she is 93 now and now we don't know where they hell she is.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sarcasm, because beating the shit out of people is illegal.