"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."

"I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions."

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"

"I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees."

"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that."

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer its "art" and "music". When i do it im "wasted" and "have to leave the home depot"

"Im sorry i cant hear you over the sound of my throbbing erection!"

"I'd let you go, really i would, but its tuesday, and i dont dispense mercy on tuesdays"