Subodhai Bahadur

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities press 3 4 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and where you live, hold the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothersip.
If you are schitzophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder fiddle with the hash key until the beep. After the beep wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss please try again later.
IF you have low self-esteem you may as well hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.