My eyes were burned as a light more brilliant than the breaking dawn shone from the doorway. Standing before me, shirtless and rippling with muscle, wearing leather pants was none other than our God the Mittani.

His radiant glow revealed that I was not alone, but all my great leaders had silently watched me, flanked by the Black Hand agents who sat faithfully beside their masters on a leash. Boat, Jay, Laztel, Asher, and Kendarr glared at me. I knew this could be the end.

The Mittani’s voice echoed through the halls, and no matter where He stood it was as if I heard Him from every direction. “I heard that you…” He paused, folding his arms. “Bought a lamp bearing the sigil of our enemy.”

“I would never,” I pled, “If you would but laid eyes on my lantern thou wouldst see Mittani, see that it is a green dinosaur and not tan or grey! Nor does it bear the tie of the normie!”

The Mittani smashed His leg into my stomach, and I crumbled to the ground. “How dare you deign to order me, the Mittani, to seek out ‘evidence’ of your innocence!”

The Mittani snapped His finger, and the leaders of the Imperium released the Black Hand from their leashes and those men in German Shepherd fursuits ran on all fours and started to maul me.

“The fact you have an ounce of resistance in your heart proves to me that you’re nothing but a spy,” the Mittani concluded. His eyes started to glow red just like His veins, and He held up a large hammer of incredible size that no one but this sixteen-pack shirtless bishounen God could wield. It was the banhammer. The Black Hand fled in terror. I was going to be Commissared! As the Mittani made the first motion to swing his mighty weapon and end my life, he stopped almost frozen in time.

The Mittani dropped the hammer above my head, and His mighty gaze noticed my bulge. He gave a cat-like smile. “Ho? What’s this?” Then He kicked me in the balls, and I wept in pain and despair.

“Are you not going to kill the spy?” Boat asked incredulously. He shrunk back as the Mittani’s powerful gaze met him eye-to-eye.

“No, he is not a spy,” The Mittani concluded, turning His back on me. “Only the most loyal of my men’s erections could stand firm during my interrogation. Free him. Send him back to Mumble and Delve.”

And that is my story of how I was first accused of being a spy and lived.