INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE...
WARNING: KERNEL PANIC - UNABLE TO MOUNT FILESYSTEM


Look, we aren't some premium Caldari Cloud Hosting provider. We aren't Amarr Mainframe Architects with their fancy golden racks. We are the tier-1 tech support guys you call at 3 AM when the Jita node is on fire and the server room is literally flooding with sewage.

Welcome to The Network Closet where things go boom.

We don't do "agile methodology" or "synergize our bandwidth." We use duct tape, cable ties, and sheer spite to keep the network up. Our "routing protocols" involve bridging battleships into your home system. Our "server maintenance" is grinding your POCOs and structures into salvage. Our "IT support" is telling you to turn your ship off and on again (respawn).

WHAT WE DO:

Provide high-latency, low-reliability bridging services
Rack-mount ships into structure grids to mine and react your raw data
Complain endlessly about "user error" when you lose a 2bil ISK ship to a gate camp (our firewall is fine, your routing is trash)
Maintain a 99.9% uptime... in local chat.


WHAT WE DON'T DO:

Document anything. Ever.
Use standard naming conventions (all our ships are named "NEW_SHIP_01", "Untitled Server", or "AAARGH_PING_SPIKE")
Tolerate people who don't know what SSH stands for.


REQUIREMENTS FOR ROOT ACCESS:

Don't be a script kiddie (botting gets the whole network permabanned)
Willingness to work in a dusty, poorly ventilated datacenter (Minmatar space)
Must bring your own zip-ties (for ship tanking)


If you have a support ticket, join NetCloset-Helpdesk in game. If we don't respond immediately, we are probably stuck in a TiDi lag spike or rebooting the router.

Please do not unplug the servers.

> CONNECTION TERMINATED