Welcome to Job Centre Plus, part of the Department for Work and Pensions.

The following options have changed:

Press 1: If you're a lazy basement dwelling git who will never have a real job and relies on ones parents to clean your sheets and spunk encrusted Y-Fronts.

Press 2: If you're an equally lazy basement dwelling git who thinks that having to scratch ones balls and check every 5 seconds "if it's still there" is a disability.

Press 3: For a crisis loan If you have ran out of burbury caps, tracksuit bottoms and used all your english dictionaries as roach.

Please continue to hold the line if you are unsure and you can speak directly to an advisor who will endeavour to sanction your benefit claim on any grounds they feel like.