Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder press 1
repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent get someone to press 2 for
you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you have paranoia we know what you're up to. Stay
on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter
which number you press - no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the
hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name,
address, phone number, date of birth, National
Insurance Number and your mother's maiden name.