"The internet went down for 3 hours this morning, plunging the nation into productivity. The outage, which caused major work startages from New York to California, prevented an estimated 120 million employees from messing around on the web."


"In other news, a local 8 yera old accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday, when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle. The incident is being hailed by gun rights activists as a victory for America and the constitution."


"According to a new medical study, depression hits losers hardest. The study found that extreme debilitating depression most commonly afflicts those who are total screw ups who can’t do anything right."


"Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake, the Los Angeles police department issued an apology today for the accidental shooting, clubbing, stabbing, firebombing, chocking, impaling, electrocutional lethal injection death of an African American man."