Hello and welcome to the mental health hot-line

If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and you call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.

If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 0...0...0...