“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“You know what I like most about people? Pets.” – Jarod Kintz
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
“I can resist everything exept temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
"If you don't like me and still watch everything I do, you are a fan."
"Good morning, world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived."
"I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today."
"People are a-holes. Just make sure you're not the toilet paper."