Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..

If you are obessesive compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities press 3,4 5 and 6
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If your depressed then just hang up no body cares or wants to know what you have to say anyway.