http://adamwest.tripod.com/b-lectur.htm

'Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?'

'I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car'

'I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness'

'We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police'

'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship'

'Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich'

'If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining'

'If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments'

'How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?'

'A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it'