“That is a canvas sheet—the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”
“There is only one bad word: taxes.”
"There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability."
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”
“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
"Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours."
“I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”
[On bowling]” Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
[Describing his allergies] “Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts.”
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”
“I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.”