Things In My Butt - by Dr Seuss

"Hello, I'm Tommy Tutt. Do you like things in your butt?"

"Hello, Tommy Tutt. No, I don't like things in my butt."

"Would you like them if they're round? Would you like them if they're brown?"

"I would not like them if they're round. I would not like them if they're brown. I do not like things in my butt. I do not like them, Tommy Tutt."

"Do you like them long and straight? Pounding with the force of hate?"

"I do not like them long and straight. I do not like the force of hate. I do not like things in my butt. I do not like them, Tommy Tutt."

"Maybe gently caressed with love...a single finger in a glove?"

"Not with hate, not with love. Not a finger in a glove. I do not like it long and straight. None shall pass my starfish gate. I do not like things in my butt. I do not like them, Tommy Tutt."

"What if it was thick and curly, twisting with a twirly whirly?"

"No, I do not like it twirly whirly - makes me scream like a little girly. Long and straight, round and brown, this sort of thing ain't going down. I do not like things in my butt, I do not like them, Tommy Tutt."

“But lots of people give it a try, don’t you ever wonder why?”

“I guess I’ll try it, but you will see. This sort of thing is not for me.”

zip thrrrrrk UNGHHHH

“Say, that’s not so bad. Say, I feel pretty glad. I DO like things in my butt. Thank you, thank you, Tommy Tutt!”