Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..
If you are obessesive compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want.. stay on the line and we'll trace your call
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press
If you are depressive it doesnt matter which button you press, nobody will answer you
If you are dyslexic press 69, 69, 69, 69
If you are the nervous sort please fidget with the # key untill the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep
If you have a short term memory loss please try your call again later
And if you have low self esteem hang up - we are too busy to talk to you